Here is a little something to ponder for those of us who are jazz musicians:
Jazz Math
1. If x is the number of chord changes in a tune, and y is the tempo
at which it is played, then xy = factor by which a guitarist will turn
down his amp.
2. The number of notes/measure played by a saxophonist on a ballad is
proportional to the number of drinks he has consumed.
3. 4 + 4.125 + 4 + 3.875 + 4 + (4.667) + 4 + (x, where x is unknown)
= Horn player trading fours with the drummer.
4. (2 + 5 + 1) x (# of freshman college jazz students,
internationally) annual income of Jamie Aebersold, in dollars.
5. Infinity = (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) + (3 + 6 + 2 + 5) ...
6. 5/4 + 7/4 + 11/4 = The drummer's gig
7. If the number of drinks consumed per musician = the number of
drinks comped by club, then unrest will prevail unless (cost per
drink) < 1/20(pay for gig).
8. 1 uptempo tune +1 rushing drummer + x (double lattes) = x (fights
among horn players to solo first)
9. 1 ballad + 1 dragging drummer + x (Percocets) = 1 cleared house,
where x is proportional to the speed at which the room empties.
10. 2 (diddles) = paradiddle
11. Jam session + eighth-note rest = missed opportunity.
12. Jam session + (quarter-note rest or greater) = band on break.
13. {(New + York) squared - (NewNew + Yorkyork + Yorknew) + New York + 2 (Ride + Sally) - Sally} divided by (less than five seconds)
=medley from hell
14. (1/vocalist's experience in years) x (# of beats per measure) x
32 = # of unintended modulations + skipped beats per chorus.
15. If x = piano's deviance from being in tune, y = volume level of
drummer, z = length of gig, and d = number of drinks consumed by
pianist on break, then (d ) (xyz /pay of the gig, in dollars),
predicts the probability of pianist urinating in his instrument.
16. "Vow of Poverty" theorem: If # people in audience < # of
musicians on bandstand, then pay per musician <one individual cover
charge.
17. "Bass" theorem: A musician's IQ is inversely proportional to the
size of his/her instrument, and directly related to the register of
the instrument.
18. "Rule of One" theorem: (Universe of jazz vocalists) v (# of jazz
vocalists who sing "Summertime") = 1 = rank of "Summertime"
among tunes most despised by instrumentalists.
19. "Devil's Music" theorem: Smooth Jazz = square root of all evil.
20. "Two Americas" Buffet theorem: Fresh salmon/flaccid spanakopita +
prime rib/limp eggrolls + jumbo shrimp/soggy chicken fingers = high
society gig/Elks Club gig
21. How much should a gig pay, based on the following conditions:
drive 90 miles outside of town through pouring rain; set up two hours
in advance; load in through slimy kitchen accessed by treacherous
outdoor staircase; and play four hours of continuous crappy dance
favorites for drunk rich people?
Would you take it for 1/2 that much?
(If yes): Desperation/pride = 1
After you bid on the above gig for 1/3 your worth, a college student
offers
to play the same gig for 1/2 as much. You are 12 times as good as
him, but 1/2 as good-looking. The client has a tin ear. Who will get
the job? Why do you bother practicing?
22. If a trumpet player counts off a tune in 4/4 at mm = 180, and the
drummer slows it down at a constant rate of deceleration over 8
measures to mm = 150, does the pianist still suck?
22. If a bassist plays a root, a pianist superimposes a major seventh
chord built on the fifth, and a saxophonist plays the 13th, will
attractive women notice? Will the drummer?
23. If (% of Americans who like jazz) < (% of Americans who like
chainsaw sculptures), what is America's most important indigenous art
form?
